my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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