I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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