I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
