I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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