so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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