Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
