He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
