My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
