i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
