If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
