At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
