She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
