I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The air was thick with penises
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
