He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I love having hate sex.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
