went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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