A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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