im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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