yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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