just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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