there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
PANTIES FOUND
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