i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
