I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think I have vodka in my lungs
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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