got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
