so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
