She is in my trunk
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
