I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize