After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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