how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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