Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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