I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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