she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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