we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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