things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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