Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
