went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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