Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
