Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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