You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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