Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
