After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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