My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
