Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
