I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
