I wanna bring you to show and tell
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
