I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
