I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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