I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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