Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
