I faked an abortion last night.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
