Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
