I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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