also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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