This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
