Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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