I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
