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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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