I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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