I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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