Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
