Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
