i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
