hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
