Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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