Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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