dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
